What is Assertive Behavior?  
It is standing up for your rights and expressing what you feel, believe, and want in direct, honest, and appropriate ways that respect the rights of others.
 
Why and when do we avoid being assertive?
 
·       When we are overly concerned about hurting the other person's feelings.
 
·       By fooling ourselves into believing our feelings are not real or are not valid (i.e. "I really shouldn't feel this way.")
 
·       When we believe our feelings are unimportant compared with someone else's feelings.
 
·       When we fear that an unbearable scene and confrontation will occur if we become assertive.
 
·       As a manipulative tool we become nonassertive to force another person into making decisions for us, thus giving up our control over the situation.

Making changes involves risk taking.  Some people who are used to getting their way and having others give in to them, may not be happy when changes are made. When we approach situations assertively and with honesty, respect, and openness we will increase our confidence.  We are also more likely to get what we want and to be understood.    Assertiveness is about taking care of yourself but not trampling on the rights of others.  It is imperative that we are assertive "in the moment" as much as possible and that we are direct and specific in conveying our feelings, our wants, our needs, and our thoughts.
 

CO-PARENTING:  WHAT NOT TO DO

These things harm your child emotionally:

Don’t make ANY derogatory comments regarding the other parent.

Don’t place your child in the middle – no asking them to carry hostile messages or ask if there can be schedule changes.  Don’t make children choose between their parents.

Don’t inhibit your child from making positive comments about the other parent….they need to feel safe about loving and respecting both parents.

Don’t discuss litigation issues in front of or with the child. 

Don’t make assumptions.  You will most likely assume the worst.  You don’t know what is going on in his/her life any longer.  Go to the source and ask if you must (kids don’t always report correctly).

Don’t take it (things your ex does or says) personally.  It may have nothing to do with you. 

IF YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN’T GET ALONG WITH YOUR EX:
Arrange to have minimal interaction between you.
Attempt to make joint decisions only when major decisions must be made.
Information about medical appointments, school reports and activities limited to notification, not discussions. 
Bite your tongue. 
Life is not fair…accept that and deal with it.

Divorced parents owe it to their children to put their best effort forward when it comes to dealing with the other parent.  Here are a few tips to help you co-parent effectively:

1)      Consider The Best Interests of the Child:  look through your child’s eyes.
2)      Integrity:  honor your agreements.  Do what you said you were going to do.  Be respectful.  No power struggles.  Be a good role model for your child(ren).
3)      Healthy Communication:  Be brief, be friendly, be informative, come up with options that the other parent may find agreeable.  No threats, sarcasm, criticism.
4)      Maintain Boundaries regarding the other parents’ time, space, privacy, new relationships, career.
5)      Manage Your Emotions:  don’t let the other parent push your buttons…disengage when necessary.
6)      Be Responsible. 
7)      Be Cooperative.
8)      Focus on the Future: don’t dwell on what you believe happened in the past.


Next, I will blog about the behaviors you shouldn't do as divorced/separated parents.  

"I don't have time".  How many times have we repeated that phrase over the past week, month or year?  We all have "time"; in fact, we all have 168 hours in every week.  The important part is how we choose to use that time.  

If we remove the 8 hours a day for sleeping (56 hours) and 50 hours a week for working and commuting, we still have 62 hours a week for "other things".  If you are struggling to think of how you are spending this time, it may help to keep a time log.  Of course, there are APPS out there for you to use to keep track of your time if you aren't sure how to begin.

One of the things I have found is that people typically believe it will take them longer to do some chores than it really does.  For example, emptying the dishwasher takes me a minute (I have timed it) and folding a load of laundry takes me less than two minutes.

Of course, we tend to waste alot of time by multi-tasking and losing track of what we were trying to accomplish.  Time is wasted on "surfing the internet", shopping online, and checking social media or emails.  For example, doing any of these things 10 times a day for 6 minutes adds up to 1 hour a day...the time you could spend exercising that you claim you just don't have time for.

So, remember that the hours you have available can be spent doing what is important to you....spending time with family, exercising, or participating in a hobby.  The bottom line is, you are choosing your priority during that time.  When you look at your time log are you satisfied with the choices you are making?

Here are some New Year Goals that will keep you healthy emotionally, socially, mentally and spiritually:

1. Learn to Say No.
2. Do Something for Others (you won't focus on your own problems as much).
3. Stop Procrastinating.
4. Be Kind.
5. Get Organized.
6. Compromise
7. Listen more than you talk.
8. Make a Gratitude List.
9. Don't Take Things Personally.
10. Choose Healthy Relationships.

The holidays can be a time for families to bond, create traditions, have fun together, and most of all to show one another how much you appreciate and love them.  Unfortunately, many times holidays are a cause of stress.  The following "ABCs" are ideas to help you lessen your stress during this season.
​
ASSIGN TASKS TO OTHERS
BUDGET
COOK IN ADVANCE
DECOMPRESS
E-CARDS
FOCUS ON FUN
GROCERY SHOP WITH A LIST
HEALTHY EATING           
IMPROVE SLEEP HABITS
JOURNAL
KEEP IT SIMPLE
;AUGH
MANAGE YOUR TIME WISELY
NEW TRADITIONS
ONLINE SHOPPING
PICK YOUR BATTLES
QUIET TIME FOR YOURSELF
REFLECT ON PRIORITIES
STREAMLINE GIFT GIVING
TIME WITH LOVED ONES
UNDERSTANDING OTHERS
VENTING (APPROPRIATELY)
WATCH EXPECTATIONS
XANAX (ho ho—just checking to see if you are reading this---with a valid prescription only please)
YES TO LESS STRESS
ZZZ’s  (sleep)

​Years of research from the National Marriage Project found that dating helps marriages become stronger, healthier and happier.  Today’s couples increasingly expect high levels of intimacy, communication, emotional support and fulfillment from their relationship. One of the ways we can do this is to make sure we spend time alone with our spouse.  In other words, go on “dates”.
 
In addition, couples that try new, fun, active, or exciting things together begin to view their relationship in the same way.  Dating ought to be on a regular basis, ideally once a week but no less than once a month. Making the effort to plan these nights (or days) is an investment in your relationship that will pay off for your children and for your future.  Both partners should participate in planning. 
 
Plan it for a time where both parties are energized and excited about the “date” and no one is too tired. This is a time to be able to talk and laugh and be yourselves. It is an opportunity to connect again and remind each other why you are still together.
Communication is important because over time, we and our relationships continue to change and develop and we experience new challenges and problems.  Don’t just talk about the mundane or work or children.  Converse about all kinds of topics and be inquisitive; the way you would with someone new. Ask questions about your partner’s dreams, goals, and desires.
So, call up those babysitters—family, grandparents, neighbors, friends (take turns keeping each others’ kids), day care workers, or a sitting service—and go out on a date.  Here are some suggestions:
take a drive and explore your own city or nearby towns.
bookstore
take a picnic to the beach or park
listen to a new type of music (concert or cd)
go out for dessert and coffee
tennis
stay home (enjoy your pool, music, work on a project)
have a tech free night
volunteer together
camping
hiking
roller-blading, biking
fishing
be near/on the water: gulf, lake, river and moonlight
cook together
take a class together
zoo
rent a kayak, sailboat or canoe
live theater
bowling
dancing
go to a comedy club
play golf or mini-golf
bowling
rock wall climbing
go to a sporting event (find cheap seats)
go to a local art show, concert in the park, renaissance festival, oktoberfest, seafood festival, jazz festival

The 7 deadly habits are behaviors that we do in relationships which over time will destroy the connection we have with the other person.  These habits were introduced by William Glasser who wrote the book Choice Theory.  
 
7 DEADLY  HABITS
 
CRITICISM
 
BLAMING
 
COMPLAINING
 
NAGGING
 
THREATENING
 
PUNISHING
 
BRIBING OR REWARDING TO CONTROL
 
All of the above habits exert external control over others--you are taking away their choices or their freedom.  Getting rid of these is central to our mental health and healthy relationships.
 
The following habits improve all relationships:
 
7 CARING HABITS
​
SUPPORTING
 
ENCOURAGING
 
LISTENING
 
ACCEPTING
 
TRUSTING
 
RESPECTING
 
NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES
 
THESE HABITS ARE NOT CONTROLLING.  YOU ARE LETTING OTHERS LIVE THEIR OWN LIVES.  THE PEOPLE WHO USE THESE HABITS ARE HAPPIER THAN MOST OTHERS. 

​Throughout the school years, from kindergarten through high school we are concerned about our children succeeding.  Therefore, we have many expectations of them.  Sometimes, our expectations are unrealistic or unreasonable and we end up discouraging and criticizing our children instead of encouraging them and allowing them to succeed on their own.
 
Encouragement focuses on effort or improvement, rather than strictly on outcomes.  Encouragement is recognizing, accepting, and conveying the faith you have in your child.   When we use encouragement, we infuse life into them rather than pulling the life out of them. 
 
Using encouragement gives a child a sense of self-respect and tests their strength and ability.  Then, they are able to feel a sense of accomplishment when they do things on their own, discover their abilities, make their own decisions, and make meaningful contributions. 
 
ENCOURAGEMENT                                                             DISCOURAGEMENT
"I think you can do it"                                                        "Here, let me do that for you"
"You have what it takes"                                                   "Be careful; it's dangerous"
"You're a hard worker"                                                      "Don't forget your assignment"
"What do you think?"                                                         "Let me give you some advice"
"I could use your help"                                                      "When you're older, you can help"
"It looks like a problem occurred.                                    "I told you to be careful"
What can we do to solve the problem?"
 
 
If a child has confidence, he will function.  If he becomes demoralized, discouraged, or doubtful of himself, he will feel useless, discouraged, and become deficient and maladjusted.
Most adults are skilled at discouragement, having received more than their share.  We have learned how to yell, threaten, nag, interrogate, criticize, reward, punish, and isolate when problems arise.  As much as teachers and parents love children, we often end up treating them with little trust and respect.
 
In pointing out parents' mistakes, I don't infer criticism.  We must learn from our mistakes.  Don't beat yourself up or become discouraged parents.  Have the courage to try different techniques.  Remember what worked or was good.  We can't be perfect parents but there is room for improvement.